I've made a LOT of mistakes in my life. I have done some seriously stupid things in my life, and allowed myself to do some goofy things that have put me where I am. I have lit myself on fire, accidentally and on purpose. I have crashed longboards going 35 miles an hour down a hill on a semi busy road in a city I live in. I have done legal and illegal things that have left lasting impressions on my life and my personality. I would say my good to bad decision ratio has been about 3:1 in my life until now. But one thing has never in my mind been anything other than the most amazingly right decision I have ever made in my life. One decision has influenced me my whole life to become a better person and do better in my life. The decision that set me on the path I am on now, in an attempt to become the best person I can be, and improve myself in so many ways. I decided to poke back the girl who poked me so innocently in high school band to make sure I wasn't lonely.
My wife, a sweet woman who has many siblings, is definitely the most important living thing in my life, and has been the light of my life through some dark times. Times where the things around me were terrible, and where the things inside me had gotten pretty dark too. She has loved me throughout the good and the bad times, and has stayed by my side, even when I didn't love myself. She has been stronger than iron when I needed support, and softer than cotton when I needed love and forgiveness. My wife has been the human representation of grace and love incarnate at times, and has been the most amazing person I could have ever met in my life. The life I have now is amazing and perfect, not because I have things or money, but because I have her.
Tomorrow she turns 23, and she deserves to have the whole world know that she is the most amazing and wonderful woman in the world. Sadly my only medium for spreading this word is my blog, so any poor sap unlucky enough to stumble across this gets to read the goofy sappy stuff that I write here and probably get sick from reading something so sickly sweet. But this is the honest to god truth about my life My wife is probably not the perfect woman. I am definitely not the perfect man. And life will not always be amazing, even if we are madly in love. But I can say one thing for sure, with absolutely no doubt, and no fear: I did not make a single mistake in dating, loving, or marrying her, and I can only pray that I never fail to make her as happy as she has made me. Happy birthday Love. You are my sunshine.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Monday, January 9, 2017
Nobody is Invincible
I want to write this post with the hope that anyone may someday stumble across this looking for answers or just because, and take something good away from this. I know that most people who come across this don't know me, and probably never will, but the long and short of my life story is this: I have always been a stubborn, hardheaded guy with a lot of attitude and emotion. Most people would not look at me and say "He is going to be stuck at home someday crying and afraid because of drugs" and they would certainly not have thought that the unstoppable Ace was going to be sitting at home every day afraid and terrified because the world seems so scary and confusing now.
So let me tell you something about the world. No one is invincible, and no one is perfectly safe from anything. You may be curious about trying something like pot or acid, and you may want to believe that it is safe and fine to use, despite what everyone tells you. And sure, there are a lot of people out there who are smoking and have been for years, who have dropped acid a thousand times and they don't have a single bad story, but the truth of the matter is, that isn't a life you want to live. It's so fake and lined with lies and false promises of enlightenment and pleasure. Since I have gotten clean I have come to love life for what it really is, and what it really has to offer for me. I have fallen in love with my life, and with my wife, all over again, and I can't even begin to explain how much better everything is now. It is like stepping out of your front door and discovering that after ten years of being blind, you can see again, or like finding out that you have been living with blinders on for years. It is terrifying to look at who I was before and think that I could have done that for years, or even worse, I could have just done it a few more times and not woken up one day. I still have a lot of anxiety as I detox from everything, and every day is a struggle to return to the guy I was before, with a lot of fear and uncontrollably scary thoughts that intrude on my daily life now. All it takes is one bad reaction for your whole life to change when you start up something like this. I can't say it has been all good or all bad, and that is just the truth of any situation. Growth never comes from stagnation, and very rarely is truly growing something easy or painless, because life isn't easy or painless. Don't let people convince you anything is harmless, because even if it didn't happen to them, it doesn't mean it can't happen to you. Drugs are not okay, because anything you use to escape reality is just that: an escape. There isn't any real merit to it, and the aftereffects can be destructive and terrifying. Ace out.
So let me tell you something about the world. No one is invincible, and no one is perfectly safe from anything. You may be curious about trying something like pot or acid, and you may want to believe that it is safe and fine to use, despite what everyone tells you. And sure, there are a lot of people out there who are smoking and have been for years, who have dropped acid a thousand times and they don't have a single bad story, but the truth of the matter is, that isn't a life you want to live. It's so fake and lined with lies and false promises of enlightenment and pleasure. Since I have gotten clean I have come to love life for what it really is, and what it really has to offer for me. I have fallen in love with my life, and with my wife, all over again, and I can't even begin to explain how much better everything is now. It is like stepping out of your front door and discovering that after ten years of being blind, you can see again, or like finding out that you have been living with blinders on for years. It is terrifying to look at who I was before and think that I could have done that for years, or even worse, I could have just done it a few more times and not woken up one day. I still have a lot of anxiety as I detox from everything, and every day is a struggle to return to the guy I was before, with a lot of fear and uncontrollably scary thoughts that intrude on my daily life now. All it takes is one bad reaction for your whole life to change when you start up something like this. I can't say it has been all good or all bad, and that is just the truth of any situation. Growth never comes from stagnation, and very rarely is truly growing something easy or painless, because life isn't easy or painless. Don't let people convince you anything is harmless, because even if it didn't happen to them, it doesn't mean it can't happen to you. Drugs are not okay, because anything you use to escape reality is just that: an escape. There isn't any real merit to it, and the aftereffects can be destructive and terrifying. Ace out.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Coming Closer to God
During all of this, I am finding new beauty in the world and in the things I have that I never truly appreciated before. God blessed me with amazing friends and family, and put me in places to lift me up, even when I was down. I am sure I have blogged about the family I grew up in, and the miserable things I went through, but I have realized something during all of this. God truly does give people the things they need to get through life, if they just learn to look at them and appreciate them for what they are. I may not have had the best family life at times, but I was blessed with so many honorary family members and people who could help me learn and be raised up. I was sad and lonely, and thought I would never be loved, and God blessed me with a wife who loves me so unconditionally that I can honestly say she is like God's love made manifest for me. I can't even begin to explain how amazing the things that have been put in my life are. I realized as well that when you get involved in drugs, you start to take things for granted. You just want to get high and blow by life, not really stopping to smell the roses or appreciate life. It becomes about just getting money and living well, and not about truly appreciating the blessings we have. The amazing world that God loved us so much he created for us.
I am reconnecting with my faith, and I am finding that God has been present in my life in so many amazing ways. He truly does lift you up when you suffer, and never lets any bad thing happen without a light to see in the end. People like to slip into the thought pattern that if God truly is all loving, then why do bad things happen, but the truth of the matter is that it is our own fault. We are broken beings, born of sin, and not truly whole because of that. Yet even in our suffering, he provides us with something no other person can: unconditional, unfailing love. He allows us to know him, experience him, and be with him, even in our darkest times, and our faith is rewarded.
I have a story to share, one that I will leave names out of because it is not my own story, but it is very pertinent to this. I know two guys, M and C. M is a recovering alcoholic who totally ruined his life by driving drunk and allowing himself to be overcome by his demons. C is a drug obsessed self proclaimed hippie, who claims to have knowledge of the working universe, and claims he put himself back on this earth through his own power after having some sort of breakthrough. M is recovering nicely, and has used faith in God and the support from his friends to rebuild. Keep in mind they both have the same job. They both work at the same place, doing mostly the same work. But M is well known as the best at his position, and is well liked, tolerant of others, and just a really great person. He loves and laughs, and has brought his life from shambles, back into the brightest of his days. He and I have been talking lately about how the bad times in life, when we stray, is when God just barely lifts up his hand of protection, to give us an idea of what life without him is like. At first things seem okay, and you can be happy and free for a time, but eventually, things will fall apart. In C's case, he suffers from so many physical ailments that he has no money, no time, and the only money he manages to bring in is from drug sales and from illicit activities. M n the other hand, with the same job, and no illicit money, has managed to rebuild his life, and has been amazingly blessed in life. He has so many fantastic things to be happy for, and he truly does have a life of joy and peace. In this one interaction of my life, I can see God working to help those who want his help.
Even now, as I am coming back to the faith, I am still plagued with fear and worries, thoughts of terror and fear, some of which may be evil playing defense as I try to come back to my faith, after having me in its grip for so long. I may never know what or why I am going through this. The only thing I do know is that hindsight is 20/20, and someday I will look back at this and wonder how I ever lived my life without faith. In my darkest hours, I have cried out to God, and even though I am not being whisked away from all my troubles instantly, maybe it is part of my growth process, and God has a bigger plan for me than to just sit and "get better" when I ask. Not many people learn lessons when they are pulled from trouble without consequence. I have faith, and that is all I need.
On a very personal, and rather selfish note, I think that of all the mistakes I have made in life when I wasn't letting God guide me, he guided my wife to me, and put her in my life because in His all-knowing power, he knew that without her, I may have been sucked into the depths of disbelief and cynicism. He truly wanted to make sure that I wasn't left without a paddle. I don't know why, and I suppose that is one of the greatest things about Him is that we don't deserve, nor could we ever earn His love, but we get it anyways, because that is just the way a true God works. We can't question it, and we can't try to explain it, because the great I AM is not about knowing or understanding. It is about faith. Ace out.
I am reconnecting with my faith, and I am finding that God has been present in my life in so many amazing ways. He truly does lift you up when you suffer, and never lets any bad thing happen without a light to see in the end. People like to slip into the thought pattern that if God truly is all loving, then why do bad things happen, but the truth of the matter is that it is our own fault. We are broken beings, born of sin, and not truly whole because of that. Yet even in our suffering, he provides us with something no other person can: unconditional, unfailing love. He allows us to know him, experience him, and be with him, even in our darkest times, and our faith is rewarded.
I have a story to share, one that I will leave names out of because it is not my own story, but it is very pertinent to this. I know two guys, M and C. M is a recovering alcoholic who totally ruined his life by driving drunk and allowing himself to be overcome by his demons. C is a drug obsessed self proclaimed hippie, who claims to have knowledge of the working universe, and claims he put himself back on this earth through his own power after having some sort of breakthrough. M is recovering nicely, and has used faith in God and the support from his friends to rebuild. Keep in mind they both have the same job. They both work at the same place, doing mostly the same work. But M is well known as the best at his position, and is well liked, tolerant of others, and just a really great person. He loves and laughs, and has brought his life from shambles, back into the brightest of his days. He and I have been talking lately about how the bad times in life, when we stray, is when God just barely lifts up his hand of protection, to give us an idea of what life without him is like. At first things seem okay, and you can be happy and free for a time, but eventually, things will fall apart. In C's case, he suffers from so many physical ailments that he has no money, no time, and the only money he manages to bring in is from drug sales and from illicit activities. M n the other hand, with the same job, and no illicit money, has managed to rebuild his life, and has been amazingly blessed in life. He has so many fantastic things to be happy for, and he truly does have a life of joy and peace. In this one interaction of my life, I can see God working to help those who want his help.
Even now, as I am coming back to the faith, I am still plagued with fear and worries, thoughts of terror and fear, some of which may be evil playing defense as I try to come back to my faith, after having me in its grip for so long. I may never know what or why I am going through this. The only thing I do know is that hindsight is 20/20, and someday I will look back at this and wonder how I ever lived my life without faith. In my darkest hours, I have cried out to God, and even though I am not being whisked away from all my troubles instantly, maybe it is part of my growth process, and God has a bigger plan for me than to just sit and "get better" when I ask. Not many people learn lessons when they are pulled from trouble without consequence. I have faith, and that is all I need.
On a very personal, and rather selfish note, I think that of all the mistakes I have made in life when I wasn't letting God guide me, he guided my wife to me, and put her in my life because in His all-knowing power, he knew that without her, I may have been sucked into the depths of disbelief and cynicism. He truly wanted to make sure that I wasn't left without a paddle. I don't know why, and I suppose that is one of the greatest things about Him is that we don't deserve, nor could we ever earn His love, but we get it anyways, because that is just the way a true God works. We can't question it, and we can't try to explain it, because the great I AM is not about knowing or understanding. It is about faith. Ace out.
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