During all of this, I am finding new beauty in the world and in the things I have that I never truly appreciated before. God blessed me with amazing friends and family, and put me in places to lift me up, even when I was down. I am sure I have blogged about the family I grew up in, and the miserable things I went through, but I have realized something during all of this. God truly does give people the things they need to get through life, if they just learn to look at them and appreciate them for what they are. I may not have had the best family life at times, but I was blessed with so many honorary family members and people who could help me learn and be raised up. I was sad and lonely, and thought I would never be loved, and God blessed me with a wife who loves me so unconditionally that I can honestly say she is like God's love made manifest for me. I can't even begin to explain how amazing the things that have been put in my life are. I realized as well that when you get involved in drugs, you start to take things for granted. You just want to get high and blow by life, not really stopping to smell the roses or appreciate life. It becomes about just getting money and living well, and not about truly appreciating the blessings we have. The amazing world that God loved us so much he created for us.
I am reconnecting with my faith, and I am finding that God has been present in my life in so many amazing ways. He truly does lift you up when you suffer, and never lets any bad thing happen without a light to see in the end. People like to slip into the thought pattern that if God truly is all loving, then why do bad things happen, but the truth of the matter is that it is our own fault. We are broken beings, born of sin, and not truly whole because of that. Yet even in our suffering, he provides us with something no other person can: unconditional, unfailing love. He allows us to know him, experience him, and be with him, even in our darkest times, and our faith is rewarded.
I have a story to share, one that I will leave names out of because it is not my own story, but it is very pertinent to this. I know two guys, M and C. M is a recovering alcoholic who totally ruined his life by driving drunk and allowing himself to be overcome by his demons. C is a drug obsessed self proclaimed hippie, who claims to have knowledge of the working universe, and claims he put himself back on this earth through his own power after having some sort of breakthrough. M is recovering nicely, and has used faith in God and the support from his friends to rebuild. Keep in mind they both have the same job. They both work at the same place, doing mostly the same work. But M is well known as the best at his position, and is well liked, tolerant of others, and just a really great person. He loves and laughs, and has brought his life from shambles, back into the brightest of his days. He and I have been talking lately about how the bad times in life, when we stray, is when God just barely lifts up his hand of protection, to give us an idea of what life without him is like. At first things seem okay, and you can be happy and free for a time, but eventually, things will fall apart. In C's case, he suffers from so many physical ailments that he has no money, no time, and the only money he manages to bring in is from drug sales and from illicit activities. M n the other hand, with the same job, and no illicit money, has managed to rebuild his life, and has been amazingly blessed in life. He has so many fantastic things to be happy for, and he truly does have a life of joy and peace. In this one interaction of my life, I can see God working to help those who want his help.
Even now, as I am coming back to the faith, I am still plagued with fear and worries, thoughts of terror and fear, some of which may be evil playing defense as I try to come back to my faith, after having me in its grip for so long. I may never know what or why I am going through this. The only thing I do know is that hindsight is 20/20, and someday I will look back at this and wonder how I ever lived my life without faith. In my darkest hours, I have cried out to God, and even though I am not being whisked away from all my troubles instantly, maybe it is part of my growth process, and God has a bigger plan for me than to just sit and "get better" when I ask. Not many people learn lessons when they are pulled from trouble without consequence. I have faith, and that is all I need.
On a very personal, and rather selfish note, I think that of all the mistakes I have made in life when I wasn't letting God guide me, he guided my wife to me, and put her in my life because in His all-knowing power, he knew that without her, I may have been sucked into the depths of disbelief and cynicism. He truly wanted to make sure that I wasn't left without a paddle. I don't know why, and I suppose that is one of the greatest things about Him is that we don't deserve, nor could we ever earn His love, but we get it anyways, because that is just the way a true God works. We can't question it, and we can't try to explain it, because the great I AM is not about knowing or understanding. It is about faith. Ace out.
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