Where the Anxious Things Are.

Life has recently become hell for me. Not in a real sense, with suffering or pain in the physical world, but rather in an emotional, mental sense. I won't lie to anyone about this: I used to smoke pot pretty heavily. I don't know who this will surprise, and I do know it will disappoint some people. I have no excuses and no good defense. I used it to deal with a lot of personal problems, and as an escape. But recently, I have begun suffering severe anxiety, unrelated to that, I am sure. I have since quit smoking, of all forms, and even lowered my caffeine and fat intakes. I have failed to post for a long, long time now, and I feel that I owe a long and drawn out explanation to anyone that cares.
College, work, and social life has been taking up a lot of my time. I had overworked myself to the point of feeling like I had no free time, and the only free time I had I wasted getting high and laughing at things that only someone in my state of mind could have been comfortable laughing at. I let mirijuana get in between me and some of my closest friends, and in some ways, even for those who may not have known, I have become a bit of a disappointment. I owe the world an apology, because any life wasted by this is a life wasted. I ended up trying LSD and I regret every bit of the things I did while I spent my time on drugs. I am glad to say that in some ways, this anxiety has saved me from spiraling even further downward...
One thing that people who know me can attest to is that I have always been a nice, sweet guy, who loved to laugh and loved to love. Pot never changed that, but it made it less real. I have been almost three weeks clean from cigarettes and pot, and my caffeine intake has been lowered to almost nothing a day. I have lost weight, and begun fixing things I was stagnating on in my life. I am trying to get a better job in sales, that would double my wages, and give me the freedom I need to work around my college schedule, and give me the ability to live my life the way I want to.
Now for the hard part. The anxiety. I have never really dealt with a lot of this before, possibly from the pot, possibly just one of those things that never manifested. But I began having anxiety attacks that would put me in the hospital, afraid for my life and my heart. While there, I realised that I had been making severely stupid mistakes in my life, including smoking cigarettes with a heart condition. I am lucky to have had an experience like this in some ways, because I have become too scared of cigarettes and drugs to even consider taking them anymore... But the serious reality of anxiety is that you become obsessed with dark thoughts, that make you feel convinced you are dying, or that someone you love is going to die. Occasionally nightmares plague me like the disease that phrase is named after. It is exhausting, waking up feeling pain and fear and worse, all from the moment I open my eyes. The physical pain alone is enough to drive someone mad, but the mental anguish and assault that feels as though the demons of hell are knocking on the backdoor of your mind, trying to get you to hate yourself or the world. Life becomes a constant struggle to deal with the fear of driving, moving, talking, or doing anything of any import, because the fear of an anxiety attack is almost as bad as an actual anxiety attack. Tears we up in my eyes as I write this, because I feel as though I have brought this on myself in many ways. I am learning meditation techniques, and I am taking my heart medication again to deal with my high blood pressure, an issue that existed before this. I will never be able to get back the time I spent smoking and wasting away, but I have the future ahead of me, and with no desire to repeat the past, I feel as though I can now look forward to a bright future. I know the holidays are hard for me to deal with because they are something that I look back on with anger and fear because of abuse in my past. I know that there are likely a ton of good reasons for me to be anxious, and should therefore be able to handle the stress, but the magnificent wonder of anxiety is that the irrationality of it can be the hardest part to deal with. It just never feels like you are going to get a handle on the disease. I can assure you that in the span of a few weeks, I have been through a lot of terrible thoughts and emotions and fears, but I believe that with help from loved ones, and from the wonderful creator, I will be able to move along. I have learned meditation and coping techniques to face my fears, and carry on, but I know I will likely never be quite the same again. For now, all I can say is that I owe the world my sincerest apologies, and that I should be more active from now on, given things do not get worse on the anxiety front. Ace out.

Incredible Opportunities, and Hard Decisions to Make

I am faced with some incredible new moments in my life. I have a great opportunity to go to Japan for a semester for only 7,000 american dollars, and I am extremely excited, however, I am so nervous, and I know my fiancee is also very worried. I have wanted to do this for over 12 years of my life now, and I know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It is a 15 credit hour intensive language program for Japanese, and I have never wanted to do something so much. I know it will work out, but Prayers and good vibes are requested. I appreciate all the support from the (two) people who read my blog.
Also, on a slightly less exciting note, I am a beta tester for a mobile game! I was one of 10,000 people out of about a million selected to test the new Raid function of Brave Frontier. It is exciting, but simple. So that is neat.
But I am facing a new decision. I think I want to be an English teacher. I want to change my major, and I know why... After all this time, I have been trying to do something I thought was fun, as a hobby, and turn it into a profession. I enjoy making and playing music, but I do not like learning about it, or learning the basics of music theory. I hated it. Audio Studies was driving me crazy. However, after much thinking, the only thing I have ever done well in consistently, because it never bored me, it never made me feel annoyed, was English. I love. I have always kind of wanted to be an English teacher, especially because some of the most influential people in my life have been English teachers who took the time to get to know, and love me, and help me better myself. A certain Moum of mine has been so caring, and so helpful to me, I honestly feel that without her, I may not be quite the same person I am. I had a lot of anger as a highschooler, that I hid, and that I let control me sometimes. Moum, without ever knowing it, and without ever meaning to, she provided a motherly figure like I had never had before. She was always willing to talk to me, and even when I know I was annoying and frustrating, she was always patient with me, and I loved her for that. She made me want to be a better person, and as I felt more and more like she was my honorary family, I also became good friends with her Little One, who quickly became my little sister in everything but blood. That family made me who I am today, in some small way, and I want to be the kind of English teacher she is. I realise my fiancee may read this and think I am not giving her any credit, but I tell her every day how she changed me for the better. :)
Moum, however, I do not believe I have ever thanked properly, so whether or not she ever reads this, I want to give my thanks here, in a way I could never voice. Thank you Moum. Thank you for tolerating my loud mouth, arrogant childhood, and immature outbursts. I realize now that no matter how frustrating I may have been, she always made me understand the better side of things. I got answers from her about life situations that I would never have gotten answers from other family members. She gave me the confidence to strike out, and get back up when I failed. And she never once made me feel like I was inferior. She always spoke to me as an adult, and helped me understand when I was being a child. I made a lot of mistakes, and I know that I have disappointed her before, but even then, she never lost faith in me, and that helped me keep faith in myself. If you ever read this Moum, I love you. I am so thankful for your influence, and I am glad to have known you.
As for what I want to do as an English teacher, I think I would very much like to teach English in Japan, because that sounds like a great venture. It is something to think very hard about, and I am going to be doing a lot of thinking for a while. Until I have a solution, I will remain my chipper self. Ace out!

Class is Cancelled

President's day has been extended here at the Academy. What started off as a four day weekend for me, seeing as how I had no classes on Tuesdays turned into what can be best described as an impromptu winter break. Snow days left us stranded in our dorms, until Wednesday night, making me miss both a Math review session, and a Kanji test in Japanese. (Look at my new keyboard!!        こんいちわ!!) I have been rather stressed, cooped up like a lion, with all this pent up energy and no classes to expend it on. Even with my new 3ds, I am unable to focus on anything without a proper outlet. I also came to a small impasse in Majora's Mask for my 64. I got the new version, and my 64 is currently much less attractive. I need to distract myself for a day, and take my final challenge on in the game, before I start on the new version, so expect my final Majora's Mask post sometime this Sunday.
Lastly, I have a fun little story to share with the world, but I know I am going to get flak for this, so I will be hiding out for a while after I post this. I went to a friends house on another slick day, and I had another accident, this one much more... high speed, than the previous. I was on another side street, going about fifteen, keeping great balance, and a safe speed, when someone passed me, and lost control of their car. I swerved to get away from them, and lost control myself. Luckily, with a little quick wit, and more than a little adrenaline, I managed to shift my weight towards the side of the road, avoiding the other car, and slamming into the lawn of some random stranger. The other car, being the genius it was, regained control, and sped off, not even bothering to see if I was okay. Aside from some cold finger, and a very sore right arm, I escaped mostly scot-free. I am definitely not going to risk any more icy adventures though. Obviously I can't trust myself or others. Luckily, I am fine, and hopefully not too many people will scream at me. Ace out!

Extreme Frustration

I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news, is that I had forgotten how insanely frustrating the Water Temple for Majora's Mask is, and I took much longer than anticipated to beat it. The good news... I BEAT THAT STUPID TEMPLE AND I AM GOING TO BE FACING THE FINAL DUNGEON TOMMOROW! I feel that I timed this extremely well, because that means I can finish the game the exact same day that I get the new 3DS and can play my remastered version of the game!
To give a brief description of my journey, I must explain the new creature I could become, and describe its useful abilities. I am now able to transform into a Zora, which is a fish-based life form. I have blades on my arms that allow me to fight very effectively. I also have VERY incredible swimming abilities, one of which include using my magic meter to engulf myself in electricity, and damaging enemies heavily. It is my second favorite mask, and has my absolute favorite effect. The swimming is incredibly fun.
The first part of this run is unique, in that there are three very complex tasks I needed to complete in order to access the third dungeon. First, one has to sneak into the outsider-hating clan of all-female thieves, and obtain a hookshot, in order to obtain a fourth bottle from some beavers, after beating them in a race. Trust me, as crazy as this sounds... it is pretty standard for this series. It makes sense if you play through the whole game. Finally, I had to get a photo of one of the female thieves, and give to a rather... lewd fisherman, in order to obtain a seahorse, and have him guide me to the last three eggs.
After delivering the eggs of a very distressed Zoran woman to the scientist, they taught me a new song, I am able to enter the third dungeon of the game. Full of... you guessed it, water, it is one of the hardest because the main room consists of a large pool of water with many levels, with a flow that goes in a circle in one direction. One has to switch up the flow of water to access every room. After obtaining the ice arrows, you are able to access higher, even harder to reach areas, and eventually fight the boss.
The boss, named Gyorg, is a large fish, who swims around a central platform, and attempts to knock you into his water so he can eat you. It is an extremely frustrating boss, and even worse, partway through, it spews out about twenty minifish that swarm you when you have to hop in the water to deal damage with your electricity. It took me longer to access and beat this dungeon than to get in and beat the first two dungeons combined. Partly due to the incredibly complex process beforehand, and partly due to the complex nature of finding the hidden fairies in this dungeon.
But, in conclusion, I have beaten the temple, acquired incredible defense, and a new type of arrow. I got away stronger, and I get to face one of the most interesting portion of this game next. Maybe not the most cheerful, and definitely not the easiest, but I will have a lot of fun. Sadly, the first part of this involves the most complex maze ever, involving a scavenger hunt and a mirror shield. Ace out!

The Perks of Being a Pro

Thanks to my experience with my Majora's Mask game, I was able to quickly and effectively catch up to myself in my crashed save, and then some.
My adventure began in the forest, riding my trusty steed, looking for a lost friend. Suddenly, my horse gets upset, and takes off, dragging me along the ground, and knocking me out. Link wakes up to an imp rustling through his bag, and stealing his ocarina, with my horse gone. One event leads to another, and the imp turns me into a "harmless" deku scrub, which is essentially a plant based life form. And thus, my adventure begins.
With knowledge of how the game goes, I was able to easily regain my human form, and begin my journey fresh(again). With my human form strong and ready, I head to the swamp, to clean the now poisoned waters. After running myself ragged in a strange, creepy dungeon filled with spiders, evil puffballs, and dark corners, I obtain my bow, and make my way to the boss room, which is the only truly notable part about the first dungeon. Odolwa, the dancing warrior. Based on an Indian warrior, this boss dances around, six times your size, with a large shield and sword, agile and intelligent, this boss is honestly one of the harder ones, because at this point in this game, you almost definitely have no upgrades, or masks to make it easier. You rely on your quick wits and ability with a sword. Sometimes you can stun him with a bubble from the Deku scrub, or a well-placed arrow, but mostly, you frantically run at him, and try to swing your sword at his ankles. The end result of this fight is what I would like to stress, and why this game is one of my favorites. Unlike many games, where no real results are had until the game has been beaten and the credits roll. However, in this game, beating a boss has huge results. In this case, a whole section of the map is "healed" and the swamp, which has been plagued by poison waters and bad tempers, is restored to its previous state, and reparations are made between the "people" of the swamp. I say people, but they are a race of monkeys, and the Deku race. You can now swim in the swamp easily, and the whole atmosphere of this portion of the game changes. It is so rewarding, and it honestly makes me feel like what I do matters.
Next, I move to the mountains, where I heal the soul of a dead Goron. Gorons are rock based lifeforms, with great size and strength. Their biggest ability lies in curling up into a ball and rolling around at high speed. With enough speed, spikes will erupt from your body, and damage enemies. After another convoluted series of events, too boring and walkthrough-ish to describe, I enter snowhead, the temple for the currently frozen mountain that is killing the gorons, who thrive in heat. In the temple, which is compromised of several levels, with a central pillar and a lot of ice, I obtained fire arrows for my bow, and I that much of the temple, and raise the pillar up, to access the boss room. This boss, Goht, is a four legged mechanical bull that I have to chase as my Goron form, and damage him with my spiky body. After thawing the mountain, and beating a very fun race, I obtain gold powder, and have now got a gilded sword, which is twice as long, and three times stronger than my current sword. I am ready to take on the more challenging areas.
I wonder what Link goes through when he transforms through those masks? The souls of he harmed are trapped in them, which Link does to ease their suffering. he has to change his body though, to utilize their power. Does it hurt? Do his bones shift and break, as his body grows and shrinks? Does he gain their memories? Their fears? All of these things make me question what Link goes through to save the world. He fights, gets hurt, dies, comes back, and repeats the process all the time. No one ever appreciates what he does, and no one ever finds out who saves them. He is the true hero, and not many people appreciate him the way he deserves. it must be hell for him, but he never complains, or shirks away. He is my idol.
With that, I leave you with one question: If you could obtain a mask that let you transform into any person, animal, or mythical creature at will, with full powers, but you had to experience intense pain the first time you used it, what thing would you turn into? Only one thing, and no, it can't be a shapeshifter so you can turn into other things. That is cheating. Ace out!

Unexpected Errors

I CAN NOT DESCRIBE MY FRUSTRATION TODAY!!!
Sadly, I have to report that my little series about the Majora's Mask game I was playing is going to be slightly delayed, as I experienced a fairly common, and extremely upsetting glitch in the game. One of the 64's biggest flaws is also one of it's biggest glitch causes. When a cartridge is slightly out of the system, the game will still run, but as it loads certain areas, it can also lead to horrible, terrifying glitches that make your characters spaz out and start flying around. I experienced this today, and my game crashed badly, forcing me to restart the whole game. Sadly, that means I will have to begin the game again, and replay the first temple.
So, I will attempt to quickly recover my progress, and deliver the narrative that you followers so laboriously demand of me. Ace out!

The Lore of my Land

I am going to educate you, the reader, on my world now. The world invented for me, and billions of others by my idol, Shigeru Miyamoto. The Legend of Zelda is a world full of legend, and myth, and backstory.
To start at the beginning, I would like to explain the basis of almost every game. Instead of a story where it is linear, like Mario and the princess being captured again and again by the same Bowser, Link and Gannondorf play their fights out over the course of time. By that, I mean the two characters are reborn, in a vicious cycle that repeats every 100 years. Link is also know as the hero of time, and he is constantly born into the era that is threatened by Gannondorf. In some games, he is a child, in others, a young man, close to full adulthood. Each reincarnation has different skills, and different companions, all of which influence the flow and style of each new game. For example, he is actually born as a normal child in Windwaker, in a world that is mostly ocean. He earns a boat, who turns out to be an important character in the game, and he sails for most of the game. His friends are pirates and sailors as well. But in a game like Skyward Sword, where the game takes place on a floating island, you have a flying bird at first, who helps you get around, but when you fall below the clouds, you discover uninhabited lands, and carve your own path through indigenous people, aiding them by solving problems.
Link is extremely courageous, because of two very important reasons: he is always born with something to protect. His friends are always near him, and he feels like he should help them, often they are even captured and he has to. The second reason is much more pressing though: he is in possession of the Triforce of Courage. It is a golden seal that has been bestowed upon him by the goddesses of the world in which he lives. it gives him the courage to face impossible odds, and to beat foes others would have given up upon seeing. This is critical knowledge, although a lot of people tend to forget this information.
So, with this bit of backstory, I will get on with my short post today. I am starting a runthrough of the old Nintendo 64 Majora's Mask. It is a dark, mysterious land that Link explores in this land, where the moon has been cursed to crush the world in three days. Link has been tasked to retrieve the mask after which this game is named, and save the world. However, unlike many other games, this game actually poses a time limit, with an ever moving clock at the bottom of your screen the whole time. It is stressful, and full of darker messages than the other games I have played, but not disturbingly so. It is more along the lines of a deep, thought provoking dark, that makes you question the meaning of grief, and the true meaning of loss. I will have posts all week about my playthrough of this game, as well as some speculation as to what Link does in his free time. With that, I kick of my Legend of Zelda appreciation week for my blog! Ace out!